


Coming To Terms

by alcomol



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, Trans Dave Strider, mentions of abuse, unrequired johndave at the start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-13 19:50:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7984027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alcomol/pseuds/alcomol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider, and you have skeletons in your closet. Literal skeletons and a metaphorical closet. There's a lot to come to terms with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If There's Anything To Say

**Author's Note:**

> do you like trans dave? do you like davekat? do you like dave having to deal with past abuse and also not being straight? well, this fic exists regardless. I wanted to write about Dave dealing with all this stuff, because it's never really addressed in the comic, and I thought it'd be interesting to do and I Relate. God I wish Dave could be happy for once.  
> There'll be vague homophobia and transphobia throughout the story, a lot of it internalised. I'll try and TW more specifically before each chapter.  
> Also prepare for cheesy chapter titles that are song lyrics because I'm very unoriginal. I hope you enjoy this fic and stuff.

Your name is....

GC: H3Y 34RTH BOY  
GC: W41T...  
GC: 1 JUST 4SSUM3D YOU W3R3 4 BOY  
GC: M4YB3 YOUR3 4 G1RL?  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW MUCH 4BOUT YOUR W31RD HORNL3SS SP3C13S, 1 GU3SS YOU COULD B3 >:\  
TG: yes im a girl

Your name is...

GC: MY N4M3 1S T3R3Z1, WH4TS YOURS  
TG: shaggy 2 dope  
GC: OK SH4GGY, S33  
GC: 1 C4N SM3LL D3C31T  
GC: L13S H4V3 4 SUBTL3 ODOR, 34SY TO M1SS 4T F1RST  
GC: BUT TH3 MOR3 TH3Y P1L3 UP TH3 MOR3 TH3Y ST1NK!  
GC: TH4T 1S NOT YOUR R34L N4M3

You press your finger against the edge of your triangle glasses. You expected the usual trolling bullshit, but this one's interrogating you. Sure, you could just tell her your real name, but...

TG: ok sorry  
TG: its ben stiller

You wait for her to call you out on this. What she types surprises you.

GC: 4LSO 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34LLY 4 G1RL

You lean back in your chair, mulling it over. You absentmindedly run a hand through your short, messy hair. Bro had been mad when he'd come home to find you with a pair of scissors in one hand, your shoulder-length locks gone, replaced by a shitty attempt at a pixie cut. You'd had a long, painful strife that day. But you hadn't told him why you'd done it.

TG: nope  
TG: sorry to disappoint you dude

You know she's just a shitty internet troll. But your stomach still knots anxiously at what she's going to say about this.

GC: 1 4M 4 G1RL NOT 4 BOY!  
TG: dont care  
GC: >:[  
GC: TH1S F1RST 3NCOUNT3R 1S NOT GO1NG 4S W3LL 4S 1 HOP3D  
TG: oh man another failed trolling attempt  
TG: i had such high hopes trapezi it started out brilliantly  
GC: T3R3Z1!!!!!!!!

She hasn't called you out for lying. This in itself is enough for you to endear her with a conversation. It's silly, but some tiny part of you is shining with a hope that maybe you really are telling the truth for once.

GC: 1M ST4RT1NG TO TH1NK YOUR N4M3 1SNT B3N  
GC: 1 TH1NK TH4T W4S 4NOTH3R RUS3  
GC: T3LL M3 YOUR R34L N4M3!!! >:[

Shit. Your name... your name is...

TG: ok lets say its  
TG: dave why not  
GC: D4V3!  
GC: TH4T SM3LLS L1K3 TRUTH  
GC: 1 W1LL D3C1D3 TO B3L13V3 1T >:]

Your name is Dave Strider.

 

* * *

 

Bro's mad at you again. There may or may not have been an incident involving several of your skirts and the blender and really, there's no proof it was you, maybe Cal did it. He seems the type, the little fucker. You tell Bro this with an air of confidence that he sees right through, and he responds with those words you dread.

"Bro. Roof. Now."

And then he's gone, and you're left in the kitchen surrounded by smuppets and the remains of your skirts. You're afraid to go upstairs. What the hell are you doing? Why are you trying to be someone you're not? Are you trying to get yourself killed?

But him calling you Bro makes your insides squirm in a way that makes you throw in the remains of your skirts and blend them again for good luck.

After all, you're Dave Strider now. You're never going back to being someone else.


	2. If There's Anything To Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for abuse/injury  
> no I didn't originally post that in the summary shut up

You think everything is alright, for now. Bro hadn't bought you any more skirts after his legendary beatdown. Maybe he just didn't want people seeing all the wounds on your legs. You don't care either way. Maybe now, you can start being normal. You can just be a regular guy, flirting with two girls you met on the internet. You're sure whatever you say to Rose is genuinely ingenuine, and vice versa, but it's still a way to pass the time and satisfy your ego. Jade seems to genuinely like you. You feel like a real, normal, ladies man.

Then John Egbert happens.

You can't really explain it. One day the four of you are online all at once, a rare occurence, so Jade suggets having a skype movie night. You, the Torrent Master, give them a link to some shitty movie John suggested, and you all start a video call and settle down to watch.

However, much to your annoyance, you can't focus on the movie. You can't help thinking about how this is the first time you've video called John. You'd called Rose for many a fake skype date, and even Jade when she wasn't out exploring, but never John. You'd always joked that staring into each other's eyes would be totally gay. Yet here you are, studying him out of the corner of your eye.

He's got one hand pressed into his cheek, and is entirely absorbed in the movie. He has deep blue eyes that manage to shine even from behind his glasses, and messy black hair you can just _tell_ he's deliberately gelled to look that way. He has very large buck teeth, so large they seem to always be protruding from his mouth, resting delicately on his lower lip. You thought they'd look weird, but they suit him, and oh god why are you staring at his lips you weirdo.

You mentally shake yourself and try to focus on the movie. But your eyes still stray every now and then. You think about how shitty the movie is, and how bad John's taste is in movies, and hey you wonder what John's lips taste like - no, wait, you don't think about that. Why would you think about that. You're not doing that.

After what seems like a very long time, the credits roll. Rose makes some cutting remark, which John rebukes angrily. You manage to slip in a witty comment, but your brain feels a litle fuzzy. To your immense frustration, this feeling intensifies as John looks directly at the webcam, eyes big and very blue, goofy grin all over his face.

"Well, this was fun! We should do this again sometime! See you all later!"

You hurriedly say your goodbyes, turning off your cam and leaving the call. Once you're sure everyone's gone, you push your laptop away and bury your face in your hands.

Your name is Dave Strider, and your problems are just beginning.

 

* * *

 

  
Your name is Dave Strider and fuck, you possibly have a crush on your best friend.

Okay, between all this Sburb bullshit, you haven't had time to think about it. Your house is surrounded by lava and crocodiles and enemies and you have absolutely no clue what the fuck is going on. You're not sure where Bro is, and you're kind of worried. But the biggest worry right now, aside from your impending death, is whatever the fuck John is about to do.

A future version of you is currently trying to talk sense into him, while also being a giant orange bird. Honestly, at this point you've just gotta roll with it. There are bigger things to worry about than a version of you from a doomed timeline coming back and becoming your guide. At least he gave you some sweet loot.

Once he's done threatening Terezi, you have a short conversation with him (talking to yourself is easier than you imagined), but then all you can do is wait to hear from John. If this orange dude is right, in his timeline the fucker went and died, dooming everything. You hope that isn't going to happen this time. You tell yourself this is purely because it ruins the game. You keep telling yourself that.

Davesprite is looking at you. He folds and unfolds his wings. "Yeah," he says awkwardly, "I feel you. It was tough being in a timeline without him, not just because of the whole doomed thing."

"Dude, don't act like you can read my thoughts."

"I'm literally you. I've thought all your thoughts."

"Yeah, I guess."

TG: did you blast off like a douche yet or what

This wait is starting to get unbearable. You shuffle from one foot to another, hands deep in your pockets. Davesprite floats around, clearly wishing he still had pockets. The hum of the surrounding metal is starting to get to you, and your mind can't help wandering to all your strifes, the shine of the Texan sun as it glances off the blades, the feeling of ripped flesh, bruises, running your hands over fresh scars...

Your phone buzzes violently and you nearly yell out in shock. With trembling hands, you open Pesterchum.

EB: yeah, of course!  
EB: there was no way i wasn't trying out this sweet ride.  
TG: god dammit what do i have to do to make you believe me  
TG: fist bump my future self til i got bloody knuckles and write you an even sappier bday note in my own blood  
TG: on a back to the future poster  
EB: relax, i'm not going through the gate!  
EB: i am just flying around, and having a good time in the sky.

You nearly keel over in relief. It's okay. He's not dead. He's alright, and so is the game, and so is your heart, in a totally platonic way.

TG: so you believe me then  
TG: about future me  
TG: and like  
TG: him turning into a floating sword bird  
EB: um...  
EB: ok, i don't know anything about that...  
EB: but it doesn't matter!  
EB: you're my best bro, and if you say not to go then i won't go.

Oh.

You're at a complete loss for words. Thankfully, he's getting trolled again, so you have a convenient excuse to sign off, after which you sink to your knees, running a hand through your hair.

"That kid's gonna be the death of me." You glance at Davesprite. "Whoops, sorry."

"It's cool. Technically I didn't die."

"So... what now?"

"I guess we get on with shit. And I have to be your wizardy game guide and tell you all the sweet fuckin secrets, but in a confusing and annoying way, so you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about."

"Cool." You shove your phone back in your pocket and get to your feet again. Your heart is still hammering in your chest. You tell yourself the sweat pouring off you is from the lava.

"Oh, I guess I should give you this too." Davesprite hands you another captchalogue card with what looks like a tank top on it. "I made a spare. You can have it."

"What is it?" you ask curiously. You have no idea why Dave - you - would give you - yourself - god this is confusing - an old tank top. Or why you'd even make one.

"Uh..." Davesprite looks somewhat awkward. "It's a... binder?"

"Oh." You turn the card over in your hands. "Thanks."

"No problem, dude."

You have a horrible feeling Bro isn't going to like this. You pull out your phone and stare at the messages. Your stomach knots again.

You are fucked in so, so many ways.


	3. If There's Any Other Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I've got a few more chapters lined up, so after this one I'll start posting once a day, and hopefully that'll be enough to keep this going for a while on a regular basis. 
> 
> no TWs really this chapter, but uh, implied Vrisrezi I guess if that bothers you?

Well, none of this shit went to plan.

You don't really know what you were expecting. You knew the game had to be finished, and you knew the game was an asshole, but so much bullshit has happened you don't even know where to start.

Bro dying was... you didn't think it was possible. He always seemed so indestructible, a constant in your life. But you'd followed a trail of weird yellow sprite blood, then real red human blood, and then...

It was a good thing Terezi pestered you throughout. Not that dudes have feelings, but it took your mind off of all that stuff. You could almost ignore that small part of you in the back of your mind that was relieved Bro would never find out about the things you'd done. He'd never know why you'd cut your hair or destroyed your skirts. He'd never know about John.

The relief made you sick to your stomach.

TG: im not a hero   
TG: my bro was  
TG: john is  
TG: im not

And John... if you thought your feelings were confusing enough before (again, not that you have feelings or anything), the last day had thrown a wrench into everything. Jade had ended up kissing you back to life, and that wasn't something you wanted to think too hard about. Sure, you liked Jade, but ideally your first kiss would have happened when you were, you know, not dead. And as you read through the letter that's been unceremoniously shoved through a hole in space, it dawns on you that you're not going to see her again for a long time. So you guess it doesn't really matter. Davesprite will be with her. It's a mild comfort to you.

Your stomach does it's usual knotting bullshit as you read John's blue scrawling words. You were finally starting to work out your feelings, which you do not have, and there's no brother to worry about, and you were maybe considering talking to him after the game was won. And now he's stuck on a spaceship and you won't see him for three years either.

For some reason, the idea of Davesprite being with him isn't comforting.

You are even less comforted when Karkat starts screaming about how John was here, like, ten minutes ago.

Three years is a lot of time, you guess. And you have a lot to work through.

 

* * *

 

You stir coffee around your mug absently. You haven't been on the meteor long (time is so irrelevant here you're not sure of the actual length), but already you're running out of things to do. You have your laptop, but the internet has tragically been lost. You have a few movies, but you've seen most of them, and all the troll ones are shitty. There's books, but you were never the kind of guy to sit and read for hours on end, and most of them are weird troll smut. You and Rose had managed to kind-of-successfully alchemise a game console, but the games you made aren't much like the originals. You probably got some of the components wrong.

You spent some good family time with Rose, trying to get used to the idea of having a sister. You'd always been an only child, and while Bro was cool, he wasn't what you'd call a traditional family figure. It's nice having a sister. But now she's spending increasing amounts of her time with Kanaya, and you haven't really had a chance to sit down and talk with her for a while. You don't mind much; you didn't want to her to feel cut off from a close friend.

After all, you were still getting a bitter sting in your stomach every time you saw Terezi. During the game she'd been an annoyance, then a legitimate danger to John, but over time she'd turned into a good friend of yours. You'd been hoping that maybe you two were more than friends. You'd liked her a lot, and liking her hadn't tortured you the way liking John had. It felt more normal, more safe.

The reason why wanting to date an alien girl felt better than wanting to date a human boy is something you are resolutely not thinking about.

Though you'd managed to have a few days together, drawing stuff and goofing around, it was painfully obvious that her attention was mostly set on Vriska. They kept disappearing to have strategy meetings, and often whispered secrets to each other, or spied on the other meteor inhabitants, giggling all the while. Whatever problems they'd had beforehand seemed to be solved. You were glad Terezi was happy, and that Vriska had something else to do besides constantly annoy the shit out of everyone. But as you drank the awful bootleg coffee Rose had alchemised, you couldn't help feeling... lonely. You still missed Jade and Davesprite. You especially missed John.

Still, it would be alright. You'd get over John soon enough, and when you saw him again in three years, this mess would be a distant memory. Getting over Terezi would be a little harder as she was still around, laughing arm-in-arm with Vriska, but you'd manage it. You had Rose, and the Mayor was always available in Can Town. You were fine.

Until Karkat happened.


	4. I'll Do Anything For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of abuse/scarring, and not really a tw but vrisrezi is happening again, as is rosemary a bit  
> karkat's first dialogue in this is one of my favourite things i've ever written  
> also I thought you could queue chapters up? but apparently not. and I've started editing this one so I'm just gonna post it now

?CG: I SEE NOTHING BUT A COWARD BEHIND DARK EYEWEAR AND A PAIR OF IMPUDENT LIPS PURSED SO TIGHT IT'LL SOUND LIKE AIR SQUEALING OUT OF A BALLOON WHEN I PUNCH YOU IN THE GUT.  
CTG: oh god stop talking about my lips thats the second time  
CTG: ok youre clearly gay and youve probably got some issues about it dude

Karkat is one hell of an aggravating dude. Before the game, he had a habit of annoying Jade until she blocked him. During the game, he progressed on to John, before finally coming to pester you himself. He clearly had some shit going on with Terezi, and subsequently hated you on sight for flirting with his girl or whatever. Then you guess a lot of his friends died. That didn't improve his mood much. Even now, several weeks in (you think; time has lost all meaning), he's still a grumpy asshole to pretty much everyone. Except the Mayor. But nobody is rude to the Mayor.

You'd tried to avoid him for the most part; no doubt he was still worked up over you and Terezi, even if nothing had happened. But this morning, as you work on some sweet tracks in the main room, he shuffles through the door, grabs some gross troll food, and sits at the table you're working on. Great.

You have your headphones on, so mercifully he doesn't try to talk to you. He just eats his food in silence, all the while looking like someone's taken a shit in his mouth. You wonder if he's ever smiled in his life. Probably not.

There's the buzz of a transportaliser and you look up from your sick beats to see Terezi and Vriska appear. They're going all out today, Vriska's arms around Terezi's waist, both of them laughing even louder than usual. They stagger over to the coffee machine, Terezi trying to pull Vriska off, make their cups, and fall on one of the couches, still giggling wildly. No doubt they're working on yet another secret bullshit plan.

Ignoring the familiar tug in your gut, you glance over at Karkat. He's staring at the pair with a look of extreme annoyance, but as he turns back to his food, a shadow of something else crosses his face for just a second. It could just be the troll version of constipation, you guess, but it looked almost like he was upset.

The tug in your gut worsens. But it's not jealousy this time (at least you fucking hope not, dear god). You think you feel _sorry_ for him. When he was on the other side of the screen, it was easy to poke fun at him, and he was being a jerk about you and Terezi. But now you've met him, he's just a short, angry troll with a lot of dead friends and nobody to talk to.

"Hey, uh," you say without really thinking. "Karkat." He looks up at you, and oh god what the fuck are you doing. "You wanna listen to some tunes?"

He stares at you for a long, slightly uncomfortable moment, brows furrowing, before suddenly exploding. "WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR EAR-GRINDING HOOFBEAST SHIT, STRIDER? CAN A GUY NOT EAT HIS BREAKFAST IN PEACE WITHOUT SOME SHITLORD OF A HUMAN BOTHERING HIM? IF I WANT TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH TORTURE, I'LL DO IT MY OWN DAMN SELF!"

And with that, he storms out of the room.

Holy fuck.

 

* * *

 

 

You spend the rest of the day (or night, you guess, it's always fucking night) in your room, scrolling aimlessly through your phone, trying not to think about John and Bro and thinking of nothing else. You eventually drift off into sleep, mostly because there isn't really anything else to do.

The sound of someone in the other room wakes you. You haul yourself out of bed and shuffle to the door. You push it open, and your heart soars when you see Bro sprawled on the sofa. He's okay. He's alive. There's a look of disapproval on his face, but you don't care. He jerks his head at you, and you nearly skip as you go over to him.

Then the floor gives way and you're plunged into a deep mound of plush, shit, it's those god damned smuppets again, they're all around you, and you're trying to claw your way out but you can't, and Bro's standing over you, still looking disapproving. He holds out his hand, and you go to grab it, but then it turns.

He gives you a thumbs down, and more puppets cascade onto you until you can't see, you can't breathe -

The buzz of your phone nearly gives you a heart attack, and in your scramble to both wake up and try to answer it, you fall out of bed. It takes a few seconds for your eyes to adjust as you squint at the screen, breathing hard.

TT: Reading night in the lounge. Attendance is mandatory.

You spend another five minutes in your room, trying to get your breathing under control again. When you step out, everything looks too bright, and you find yourself starting at every far away noise. It's a relief when you get to the main room.

Kanaya is reading from an unnervingly large troll romance book. Rose is curled up beside her, head on her shoulder. Unsurprisingly, the Scourge Sisters are nowhere to be found. What is surprising, though, is that Karkat is on the other side of Kanaya. He's curled up into an angry ball, arms wrapped around his knees, staring at the book intently. He doesn't look up as you approach.

"Good evening, Dave," Rose says warmly. "You look awful."

"I try my best." You slump down next to her. No way are you sitting next to Karkat.

"Are you alright?"

You shrug. "Bad dream." You hope this will make Rose drop the subject. You are wrong.

"It's natural to have nightmares, after what the game has put us through," she says placidly. "Maybe we should talk about it."

"Is this one of your famous therapy sessions?" Kanaya asks with what sounds like genuine interest, but it can't be, because nobody should care about Rose's psychoanalysing garbage. You let out a very exaggerated groan.

"If I tell you it was about my Bro, will you shut up?"

Rose narrows her eyes at you. "You know Dave, trolls don't have parents. Maybe you'd care to enlighten them on the subject."

"Aw, c'mon, why can't we talk about your weird mom?"

"I thought you'd be more enthusiastic about your guardian."

You sigh dramatically, but reluctantly start to talk about him, and once the words start they don't stop. You tell them about Bro, properly tell them. You talk about the early days, how he taught you how to DJ, how to draw and more importantly how to draw badly, how to hold a sword properly and how to strife. You reminisce about your toddler bed, which was a pile of smuppets, and your first strife, which had nearly taken your fingers off. You proudly show the scar along the palm of your hand to your listeners.

You feel better talking about your Bro, like you're honouring his memory somehow. Rose is frowning at the scar. Kanaya and Karkat looked confused and nervous. You don't understand why.

Finally Kanaya speaks up. "Is it a normal human practise to scar your children?"

"Man, it's just strifing," you grin. "Helps you prepare for life and shit. Right, Rose?" You expect her to nod and back you up, but she doesn't say anything. "Rose?"

"I..." For once in her life, she seems to be having trouble finding words. "It is true some human children strife with their guardians, but not... not like _that_. Not in a way that causes serious injuries."

You stare blankly at her. Karkat and Kanaya exchange a worried glance. Rose looks genuinely concerned, and it's such an alien expression on her face that you feel anger bubbling up inside you.

"What the fuck are you staring at, Rose. You knew we strifed. I _told_ you we strifed. You were chill with it then."

"Yes, but I didn't realise..." She pauses for a moment. "You always spoke so highly of him. I didn't think it was that serious."

"What." You're not processing any of this. "It wasn't serious, Rose. It was training. Bros strifing together. Training for the game. Preparing me."

She doesn't say anything more. The anger keeps bubbling, mixing with pure bewilderment. You don't _understand_. Granted, you normally don't understand Rose, but this is different. It's making you feel awful in a way you can't describe.

Wordlessly, you get to your feet and stalk out of the room. You think Rose calls after you, but all you can hear is the sound of steel on steel, echoing endlessly in your mind.


	5. It's been a long, long time since I've memorized your face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for uh, talking about characters dying I guess  
> new song lyrics chapter titles now because why the heck not

The next day, Karkat joins you in Can Town. You wait for him to mention what happened last night. He doesn't. He just grabs a bunch of cans and sits down with his back to you, quietly chatting to the Mayor every now and then.

Well, that's fine as far as you're concerned. You don't want to deal with prying questions, especially not from Nubs McShouty. You continue your construction in stony silence.

After about an hour, the Mayor tugs on your sleeve. He needs your help with a difficult art structure. Karkat's helping too. You can't really disagree with the Mayor, so you gather up some spare cans in your cape and start working.

It's a little - a lot- awkward to start with. Karkat's avoiding your gaze, you're avoiding his, and the Mayor is being very adamant about where you're placing the cans. You and Karkat both go to put one in the same place, and suddenly the entire thing comes crashing down.

You both look at each other. The Mayor is sitting between you, despairing. Karkat looks fucking furious. You very slowly raise the can of beans you're holding, and through your shades look him dead in the eyes.

"Uncanny."

 

* * *

 

You manage to salvage the project eventually, after getting an earful from the Mayor. For someone who doesn't speak your language, he sure manages to convey a lot. He wanders off to work on the Town Hall, ordering you and Karkat to learn what teamwork is. You work in silence for a long time.

Finally Karkat speaks up. "Uh. Sorry about shouting at you yesterday."

"Oh." You really hadn't thought Karkat the type to apologise. "It's... cool?"

He nods, and you lapse back into silence for a while. You're focusing on propping up some of the less structurally sound parts when Karkat blurts out "My lusus - dad - he was a crab."

"What?"

"Like, an actual crab. With claws and stuff. He raised me."

"Dude, that's so weird."

"Not to trolls. We're all raised by animals. Kanaya had to saw hers open."

"What the fuck."

You unsteadily make conversation as you work, talking about all your troll and human differences. It's weird talking to Karkat when he's not shouting, but it's nice, you think. You finally finish the project, and have a celebratory Tab with the Mayor.

You're about to leave when Karkat calls you. "Hey, you want to do this again tomorrow?"

"Sure."

 

* * *

 

You spend the next few weeks building up Can Town, which is a much easier job with three people. You also start getting to know Karkat. You'd thought his shouty thing had been all there was to him. Then, after a while, you thought it was an act. Now, though, you realise it's both. He really is an angry asshole, but he's angry because of pretty valid reasons, in your opinion.

One of these reasons presents itself as the two of you are chilling in the lounge. You've stuck some shitty Dane Cook movie on, and Karkat seems enthralled by it. Weird guy. You're about halfway in when you hear a weird noise. You pause the movie.

_HoNk._

"Oh jegus is that the weird clown guy," you say warily. You're not really keen on meeting the dude, not after what you've heard about him. Karkat doesn't reply. You turn to him to find him on his feet, staring murder at the walls.

"FUCK OFF!" he screeches, giving you a mild heart attack. "GO BACK TO YOUR SHITHOLE, YOU FESTERING BONE-BULGE, BEFORE I GET KANAYA TO SAW YOU IN HALF!"

You're stunned into silence, and you don't speak until you hear another honk, much farther away this time.

"Dude. What the hell was that about?"

Karkat glares at you, then throws himself back on the couch. "Fuck, just - just _him_ , fucking thinking he can show his face here after -"

"Whoa, calm down." You go to pat him, for some fucking reason. He swats your hand away. You don't blame him. "What's with this clown dude?"

"He -" Karkat pauses to shoot you a withering look. "He killed my friends, you shitsponge."

"I thought that was a normal troll thing."

"IT IS!" Karkat yells, before composing himself. "It's a normal troll thing, everyone's cool with it! Fuck, Vriska killed Tavros and nobody gave two shits. Nobody cared when Kanaya cut Eridan in half, even if he deserved it, the sack of shit. Why the blistering hell should anyone care about who Gamzee killed. Why the hell should _I_ care about Equius or Nepeta, it's not like they were my friends or anything - fuck - it's so _normal_ , who the fuck cares, just Karkat, weird abnormal fucking Karkat - shit - hell - "

Okay, you're not sure whether the dude is leaking blood from his eyes or not, but it's kind of alarming. You have absolutely no experience with this. Bro wasn't the type to cry or show any emotion, really. Rose isn't either. Jade may have a couple times, but she never told you about it. You don't know what to do, and it's making you feel like shit.

"Karkat, hey, uh, sorry if this is offensive to your troll culture or whatever but is there blood coming out of your eyes right now?"

He glares at you through his hands. "Oh, fucking great, now _you_ know as well."

"Know what?"

"They're tears. I'm crying, if that wasn't extremely fucking obvious."

"Why the hell are your tears red?"

"Troll tears are the colour of their blood, alright? You happy?"

"Uh, I'm kind of happy you're not crying blood, because that would be just a lil too different from human culture and I dunno if I could deal with that."

Karkat shoots you a scorching look, and you feel even worse for some reason. "Look, man, I don't get why your tears being red is a big deal, and I don't really care. But I do care that you're crying, because, uhhh, you're upset, and, that's not very cool? I mean, not that, uh..."

"Jegus fuck, lay down before you hurt yourself," Karkat mutters, but he seems to appreciate the gesture, in his own furious way. You go to pat him on the back again. He tenses up, but doesn't yell at you, which you take as a good sign. Man, this comforting shit is hard.

You keep your hand between his shoulder blades until he calms down. He eventually sniffles himself out, and he shoots you a look over his shoulder. "If you wanted to know, which I'm sure you didn't, red blood is a mutation in trolls."

"Oh."

"It probably would have got me culled."

"That sucks."

He snorts a little at your reply. "So sincere." Flashing you a weary smile, he gets to his feet. "Thanks, for, uh. Doing this. I kind of want to go back to my respite block right now. I'll see you later?"

"Yeah," you say, and he's gone. You sit back in the chair. Your hand feels all fuzzy, like static electricity. You stare at it. Only now do you realise that was the first time you saw Karkat smile.

Your name is Dave Strider, and the only coherent thought you can form is _oh god, not again._


	6. It's been four hours now since I've wandered through your place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for a LOT of transphobia mentioned in this one, very vague talk of genits, one vague mention of self-harm, one mention of abuse/injury  
> this was honestly my fav chapter to write so far, there's so much great dialogue in it

Years of living with Bro have given you an expert poker face. You continue to hang out with Karkat, chill as ever, giving him no indication of the mental storm that is raging inside you and tearing up houses, like, metaphorical houses you guess, uprooting trees that represent something, probably. You build Can Town, you discuss your weird guardians, you even watch some movies together. They're things all normal friends do. There's nothing weird about that.

But every now and then Karkat will get deep into discussion with the Mayor over fine technical details, or smile at something you say, or his leg will touch yours when you watch a movie, and your brain short-circuits and you're unable to think straight, wait no, bad expression, not _that_ kind of straight, god dammit.

Even with all this, you think you can kind of coast along somehow. It's only a couple more years, right? That's not a long amount of time, in retrospect. You'll get over this, just like you got over John (at least, you _think_ you're over John. Not seeing him for five months kind of muddles things). You tell yourself, yet again, that everything will be fine.

Of course, as per usual, something happens, because something always fucking happens and you hate it.

You're a little late to breakfast one morning, and even from outside the room you can hear raucous laughter that sets off alarm bells in your head. Sure enough, once you enter, you see Vriska and Terezi deep in conversation with Rose and Kanaya. Karkat is on the edge of the bench, looking very much like he'd rather be dead or anywhere else. You plonk yourself down opposite him and he gives you a look of distressed rage.

"What the fresh hell are y'all talking about," you say in lieu of a greeting.

"Rose was telling us _allllllll_ about your weird human biology," Vriska drawls, shit-eating grin plastered on her face.

The alarm bells in your head go into all-out panic mode, sirens and red lights and papers flying everyfuckinwhere, but you keep your poker face on. "Alright."

"Is it true humans have... different things?" Terezi asks with extreme interest.

"That's so fuckin vague, what does that even mean," you respond before Rose gets a choice.

"You know, your weird gender thing! Do you really have different stuff depending on it?"

The words _weird gender thing_ causes something to explode and catch fire in your head. "Oh, yeah, like. If you're a girl, you get impossible expectations by society and a lower pay rate."

"Very droll, Dave," Rose says, smirking. "But you see, the troll version of gender is purely identity-based. On a biological level, all trolls are the same, barring subtle differences due to blood colour."

"FUCKING GOG, ROSE, COULD YOU NOT TALK ABOUT THIS WHILE I'M TRYING TO FUCKING EAT?" Karkat snaps, while your mind goes into a tailspin. You think the word _biologically_ is some kind of detonation code in your head, because the nuclear reactor that is your mind in this convoluted metaphor has gone into meltdown. This is really happening to you, right now, and you kind of wish you were actually on fire.

You try very hard to blot out whatever bullshit everyone else is saying, but the inevitable happens, like a ton of bricks inevitably hitting you in the face. "So Dave," Terezi barks, "Does this mean you and Rose have different, you know, stuff?"

Spontaneous human combustion would be a very nice thing right now. Time for diversionary tactics. "Damn, 'Rezi, I thought you gave up on trying to get up in my junk months ago. And right in front of Vriska, too. Stone fuckin cold."

Terezi's mouth squiggles into a question mark shape. You don't know how she does that and frankly it scares you a little. But Vriska continues on, like a snow plough through a field of schoolchildren. "I think you're avoiding the subject, Mister Strider!" she says gleefully. Something new glints in her eyes, and oh god no you know what she's going to say and you really kind of wish Terezi had stabbed her when she had the chance.

"Unless you're hiding something from us? Real sneaky, Strider! Don't forget, I'm a Light player! I can always see the truth."

"That's a damn dirty lie," Karkat retorts, "You do pointless luck bullshit and nothing else."

"Stop defending your boyfriend, Karkat, and let him speak for himself."

"My WHAT-"

"In case you hadn't noticed," Kanaya cuts in, an edge to her voice, "You're going to have trouble getting anything from Dave, on the account that he's not here."

Vriska and Karkat stop their argument and look at Dave's incredibly empty chair.

Well, shit.

 

* * *

 

You half-run, half-fly back to your room, crashing into walls on the way, almost breaking down the door as you throw yourself through it, before collapsing on your bed. Your phone buzzes repeatedly.

TT: Was there any particular reason for your abscond?  
TT: I didn't realise you were still cut up about Terezi.  
TT: Take no notice of Vriska.

You throw your phone on the floor. Fuck Rose. Fuck Vriska. Fuck Terezi. Fuck all of them. Except the Mayor. And Karkat you guess. But most of all, fuck yourself. Why the hell couldn't you just be _normal_ , a normal boy who likes girls and that's the fucking _end_ of it.

A small voice in the back of your head asks if _boy_ is the right word to use, and you wish you could run a sword through yourself. And hell, now you're thinking of Bro, and the all the interesting ways his sword would interact with your skin when you weren't fast enough and god dammit, _god dammit_ -

"Dave?"

It's Karkat. He's hovering nervously at the door, eyes wide. You lift one hand weakly. "Sup."

"Can I come in?"

"Sure," you say without thinking, then mentally kick yourself.

He sits on the end of your bed. You wonder if you should sit up, but being horizontal feels pretty good right now. You brace yourself for the influx of awkward questions.

"If it makes you feel better, I yelled at Vriska for a solid fifteen minutes before Terezi dragged her away," Karkat says finally.

"Oh." You stare at the ceilling. You think back on that time you saw Karkat crying, and his stuff about being a mutant blood. Maybe he'd understand. Maybe he wouldn't but you don't care, you just want to tell someone. You say goodbye to your logic and sit up so fast Karkat swears in surprise.

"Look, man, I gotta tell you something."

"Uhh, okay."

"I'm not gonna sugar coat this bullshit." You take a deep breath. "I'm trans."

Karkat looks at you blankly.

"Like, transgender."

The blank look continues.

You fell anger swelling up. "Dude, say something."

"Sorry." Karkat looks at you nervously. "Uh. Okay, I know we've talked a lot about human stuff, but. I don't know what that means."

You should have expected this, really. What the hell is an alien going to know about this? You take a deep breath. "Okay so, you know when you're born, and the doctor slaps you on the ass, and says you're a boy, or a girl, or whatever -"

"No."

"Well anyway, that's what humans do, they take a look at your baby junk and decide whether you're a dude or a chick. And that's who you are forever."

"That sounds weird and creepy."

"It kinda is. But that's what happens, and you stick with that forever. But some people, uh..." Boy, this is hard. "Some people, like, don't agree with that? Like, say there's this kid. And everyone thinks they're a girl, because that's what the doc slapped on them, but then they're like, no, I'm not, I'm a dude, even if everyone else thinks I'm a girl. And sometimes there's a kid who everyone thinks is a dude, and they realise they're not a dude, they're a girl, but everyone sees them as a dude."

"I guess that makes sense," Karkat says, rubbing their neck. "Trolls can do that, too. Sometimes you know a dude, and one day they're tell you "actually, I think I'm a girl troll," or the other way round. Then they get in touch with this government division and get it changed, and that's it. Or they can opt out of it altogether, and be listed without gender." He catches the look on your face. "I guess it's not like that for humans."

"Hell no. You gotta change your name, then you gotta see a doctor, and if they decide you're telling the truth they give you hormones and junk, so you can change your body to be more like what you want. Like how Rose said, humans do have different, ugh, """stuff""", and if you don't have the stuff you want, you feel like shit."

"Your society doesn't sound very advanced."

"Oh dude, it gets worse. See, even if you get hormones and get all that shit changed, sometimes people don't agree with you. Like. People who aren't that way. They ask you what junk you got, or if you've had 'the surgery', or just act like it isn't happening and call you by your old name and use the wrong pronouns."

"Holy shit. Humans are awful."

"Yeah." You wring your hands together. "Sometimes trans people die. Because other people don't like them or what they're doing. So they, um. They kill them." You dig your nails into your skin. "And sometimes they do other bad things, that uh. I don't really wanna go into detail about. People think they can fix you. They think you're broken. They tell you that you tricked them or you're an affront to god or whatever and it's like, yo, I'm just trying to be a dude over here, please chill out. But no, you get like a million people telling you that you're just a confused girl who's ruining her body, and now you're gonna go to hell for a million years because you're some sick freak of nature -"

You stop. Your nails are digging in so hard it's a wonder you haven't drawn blood. You can't look at Karkat. You wait for him to leave.

The feelings of arms around you is so alien you have to fight the instinct to wrench yourself away. "Oh god what are you doing."

"I'm hugging you, asshole." He pulls you close, then tenses. "I mean, if you want me to not do that -"

"No, it's cool," you say, even though you're as rigid as an iron bar and you feel vaguely sick. In all his years, Bro never, ever hugged you. Jade had once or twice, but not for very long. This is different, and terrifying, and if you let yourself admit it, it's also really nice.

"You know, I'm very glad I gave your universe cancer, because it sounds like shit and I hate it, full offense."

"I hated it too." You very cautiously put your arms around Karkat. It feels very clunky and awkward, but he doesn't seem to care.

"And I mean, I sort of understand the whole gender thing. Honestly if I wasn't set to be culled once I hit adulthood, I would have changed mine too. The whole thing is such a hassle I wanted to opt out of it entirely. But I don't understand how it is for you. You grew up in a different world, a really shitty one, and it's obviously going to be a struggle for you to deal with this because your world was so ass-backwards about it."

He puts one hand against your face and turns it so you have to look him in the eyes. "But your world is _gone_. You're never going to have to deal with the awful things from it again. I mean, I'm sure you'll have to deal with a lot of other awful things, but we can alchemise whatever you need, and nobody will ever call you anything but a dude again, and if they do, Terezi's a troll lawyer, she can get you off murder charges."

You laugh. "I'll keep that in mind." You struggle for a moment, before managing to drag out, "Thanks, Karkat. For like. Being cool with it and all."

He smiles at you, and you're suddenly aware that his hand is still on your face, speaking of faces he's about five inches away from yours. But you're Dave Strider, ladies man, straight as an arrow, the straighest dude to ever exist.

And you kind of really want to kiss Karkat right now.


	7. And when I sleep on your couch I feel very safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mild internalised homo/transphobia  
> please enjoy this really gay chapter before something awful happens in the next one

You don't get a chance to talk to Rose until the next evening. She's in some orange dress you've never seen before, complete with earrings in the shape of the Light symbol. She's got a drink in her hand that looks very suspiciously like bootleg wine.

"Hey," you say quietly, and she smiles up at you.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah."

"I take it your sudden departure wasn't because of Terezi like I thought."

"Nah." You shrug uncomfortably. "I'll tell you one day, Rose. Promise."

She smiles and nods, seemingly satisfied, and you can't really think of anything else to say so you let the conversation drop. You sit opposite her next to Karkat, and pull out a pair of earphones for the two of you to share. You installed your music software on his husktop a while back, and it's time to work on your jams.

You don't even notice Vriska's arrived until she slams the glass out of Rose's hand. She looks furious, while Rose looks away, embarrassed. Karkat stands up so fast it's a miracle he doesn't fall over.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR, VRISKA?"

For once she doesn't respond, instead glaring at Rose. Thankfully, Kanaya comes in, and speaks to Rose for a moment, before turning to the cerulean troll. "I'll thank you to keep out of it," she says quietly, but you can almost hear the rev of a chainsaw in her voice. She takes Rose's hand, and the two of them exit, leaving behind a very awkward silence.

Vriska finally spins round to focus on the two of you. She looks somewhat thrown off, and you're sure she's about to make up for it by saying some incredibly spiteful shit for no reason.

Sure enough, she points accusingly at you.

"Honestly Dave, what kind of brother are you? Did it ever cross your mind to talk to her about this? Or is His Lordship too absorbed in whatever boring secret he's keeping from the rest of us?"

Before you even get a chance to process what she's just said, let alone respond, Karkat pulls out his sickle. For one wild moment you think he's going to leap over the table and murder her.

"IT'S FUCKING _FASCINATING_ HOW YOU ONLY MENTION THIS _NOW_ , BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE ANY FURTHER THAN YOUR OWN FUCKING NOSE. DID IT EVER CROSS YOUR MIND TO NOT BE A VIOLENT ACCUSATORY ASSHOLE? PROBABLY FUCKING NOT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE AS MUCH SUBTLETY AS GAMZEE'S COD TIER OUTFIT."

Vriska ignores him. "If we're going to defeat Lord English, we need to be a team, and we need to be on the top of our game. How do you expect us to do that if one of us is drunk and another's hiding things?"

Karkat looks like he's about to start frothing at the mouth. You narrow your eyes at Vriska. There's something different about her today, and as you look around, it hits you.

"Funny Terezi's not here for this teamwork speech," you say casually. It's a shot in the dark, but you think you've hit gold. Vriska flushes a deep blue and storms out of the room, throwing her last words over her shoulder.

"Fine, fail at everything and die, see if I care."

A twisted pride is fizzing in your chest. Getting at Vriska is more satisfying than you thought. Karkat sits down again, breathing hard, and gives you a congratulatory smile. You smile back and return to working on your tunes.

An hour later, Rose and Kanaya still aren't back. This is pretty unusual, as they're normally curled up on the couch most evenings, reading their endless romance books. You ask Karkat about it, and he stares at you incredulously.

"Dave, why the hell do you think they were both wearing dresses?" You shrug. Karkat rolls his eyes. "They're having a date night, you ass."

"Oh." You can't believe you didn't realise they're together, because now you think about it, it's very obvious. _Rose is gay?_ The idea that you're not the only one makes your stomach churn.

You manage another half an hour before Karkat lets out a huge sigh and closes the laptop. "I'm too tired for this," he grumbles. "You wanna go watch a movie in my block?"

"Oh, uh. Sure." You've never been to Karkat's block before, and as you follow him there, you're kind of worried it's going to be weirdly alien and you'll do something wrong and be damned forever by the trolls for being so ignorant. It's a relief to see it's a pretty normal bedroom, only instead of a bed there's some weird cocoon filled with slime.

The two of you set up the husktop and sprawl on the couch Karkat alchemised. It's another fucking Dane Cook movie. Karkat's obviously absorbed, but you just can't get into a movie with a dude like that as the lead. You sit back, and think briefly about closing your eyes for a bit. You're wearing shades, so it's not like Karkat will notice...

The next thing you know, you're horizontal, and oh dear god you actually fell asleep you're going to die. You then realise your head is resting against Karkat's leg, and now you're going to die twice. He's going to be so mad at you. You wait patiently for your inevitable death.

Softly, a hand rests on your shoulder.

Your mind is whirring at several hundred miles per hour, and you feel like it's going to explode from out of your eyes. Your shoulder has gone numb, but you can somehow still feel his hand, like it's burning through your skin down to your very core.

Well, you have to pretend to be asleep until the movie ends. Maybe it's finally time to deal with this.

You haven't thought about John for a while. How you felt about him was something you didn't like dwelling on, but you dig it up, trying to remember it as best you can. With him, it felt like... fireworks under your skin. Every time he looked at you, explosions would go off in your mind. The entire thing was like electricity, from the first spark you got from looking into his unnaturally blue eyes, to the time it fizzled out.

You thought it'd feel the same if it ever happened again. It had felt a little similar with Terezi, but there was never as much strength behind it. That was easier, less intense, warmer somehow, like a Texan afternoon, because god it was always hot in that state.

This feels different. To start with, it was barely there, just a nice little feeling in the pit of your stomach whenever you spent time together. Even when you became aware of your feelings, it still felt unobtrusive, just a small fire at the back of your mind. But between last night and now, it's grown into an inferno, blazing through every inch of you until all you can think about is him and his hand on your shoulder and your head on his leg and how much you wish you were closer to him than this and how scared you are of that.

Bro never had any romantic partners round. He'd never really talked about the subject either. But from reading his comics, you always got the impression that he was very into women, in a really sexist way if nothing else, and you were pretty sure liking boys would have been nothing but a punchline. You don't know what he'd think of you. You don't know how he'd react to finding out his little girl wasn't really a little girl and instead a boy who definitely isn't straight.

You think you're glad he'll never know.

The movie finally fades out. You roll over, looking up at Karkat. You're _scared_ , you're scared of touching or being near anyone, you've never done it before and you don't know how to do it now. But most of all, you're scared of what this means. You don't _want_ to like boys. You're scared of being different, you're scared of being hated, and even after everything the game's done, you're still scared of burning in hell for all eternity.

Karkat must have felt your gaze on him, because he looks down at you, and he smiles, a warm genuine smile through scraggly teeth and sleepy eyes.

You decide burning in hell is worth it.


	8. And when you bring the blankets I cover up my face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for injury, blood, talk of abuse  
> this chapter was really hard to write, to be honest

You have to tell him.

You spend at least three days convincing yourself of this. Every time you see him, you get ready to do it. But when you try, the words stick in your mouth, your stomach drops, and your chest tightens so much you have to take a moment to calm down. You keep on trying until one time the words stick so bad you end up choking, and Karkat slaps you on the back so hard you faceplant into a table. You can't do it.

You wish something would happen to make it easier. And, as paradox space is inclined to do, something happens.

Vriska was serious about her teamwork and strategy bullshit, unfortunately. About a week after her rant, she calls the crew together in a big empty room. Everyone shows up, except Gamzee, who's probably off doing awful things somewhere. Vriska's in her pirate outfit again, and Terezi's in some weird red and teal thing you assume is another cosplay. Nerds. At least they've got over whatever they were arguing about, though.

"Alright!" Vriska says brightly, rubbing her hands together in a very ominous manner. "Since you jerks don't want to become an unbeatable team by yourselves, I've graciously decided to help you all out." She bows. You kind of want to punch her. "So! We're going to do strifing practise."

Everyone groans, and Vriska shoots the room a cheery look that promises a very painful death if they don't shut up.

"And don't think I haven't noticed the amount of lovebirds in here. I don't think any of you are going to fight your respective partners properly, so for the sake of fairness, I'm splitting you all up. Terezi will fight Kanaya. Rose will fight Karkat. And I will fight Dave."

Oh great, like this couldn't get any worse. Karkat shoots you a worried glance, and you give him a thumbs up. This sucks major ass, but you'll be fine. Bro turned you into a skilled strifer, and you're sure you can win even against someone like Vriska.

You uncaptchalogue your sword and square up, the way you always used to. Vriska faces you, holding her own cutlass. She smirks at you, before rushing forward. If she thinks she's going to catch you by surprise, she's got another thing coming. You effortlessly bring your own sword up, and the blades crash together.

The sound of steel on steel seems to ring throughout your whole body. You push Vriska off, and the two of you swing, always blocking, never leaving an opening. Sometimes you use your God Tier powers and leap off, soaring into the air, fighting sans gravity. Your body responds naturally, your muscles still strong even after months of disuse. You let everything else fade away and absorb yourself in the moment, the sword an extension of you, everything movements and swings and blade against blade.

Sharp pain in your cheek; somehow she got through your defence. You rub your face, and when you draw away your fingers are stained with blood. You stare at it, warm and sticky, and too red, too bright -

The throb of machinery swells up around you. You hear footsteps and drag yourself upright. It's Bro. He looks the same as always, sword in hand, disapproving look on his face. You want to be happy to see him. He's your Bro. But as he takes his stance, all you can feel is a deep pit of dread in your stomach that threatens to make your legs give out.

And then he's on you and his sword moves so fast and you try to keep up but you could never, ever keep up with Bro, he was _always_ better than you. His blows get harder and you switch from trying to find an opening to just trying not to lose your limbs. He looks so _angry_ , and you don't know what to do, he's forcing you back, and you stumble on your cape and fall backwards, your head slamming against the wall. He points his sword down in triumph, inches away from your face, and you know in your heart that you are going to die.

Then it's all suddenly blurry, the sword moves away but you don't know where it goes. Maybe it's inside you, because your heart is pounding and the world is going dark around the edges. You hear distant shouting, and suddenly strong arms are pulling you up, hands around your throat, and you wonder if maybe you're not dying fast enough for his liking so he's just going to finish you off by strangling you. But no, the hands are moving to your face, making your cheek sting even more, and he's looking at you but it feels like he's the other end of a long tunnel and this is it, this is when you go -

"DAVE!"

It's not Bro. It's Karkat, and he's on his knees, pressed against you, holding your face in his hands. There's tears streaming down his face like some weird bloody waterfall. Speaking of blood, you can feel it searing on your cheek, smeared everywhere by Karkat's fingers. There's still a ringing in your ears, and you're trembling all over, but you manage a weak, "Sup."

He lets out a strangled cry of relief, before his eyes immediately light up with fury. "You asshole! Why didn't you tell anyone that happened when you strifed?"

"I didn't know," you croak.

Out of the corner of your eye you see Vriska step forward. "Look Karkat, he's alright, we can patch up that wound and -"

"VRISKA SERKET, IF YOU DON'T LEAVE THE ROOM _THIS FUCKING SECOND_ I'LL TAKE THAT SWORD AND RUN IT THROUGH YOU SO MANY TIMES YOUR BLOOD COULD FILL ONE OF YOUR SHITTY EIGHT-BALLS," Karkat screams, with such forceful venom you suddenly understand how his ancestor started a revolution.

Vriska looks about to argue, but Terezi tugs on her jacket, and murmurs something into her ear. She reluctantly lets herself be dragged out of the room. You're vaguely aware of Kanaya and Rose leaving too. Rose actually bends down and kisses your forehead, which makes you more concerned about your health then Karkat's reaction.

Then they're gone, and you're alone with him.

He's stopped crying at least, but his eyes are ringed with red and his cheeks are sodden. He draws one hand away to look at his stained fingers. "You really do have red blood."

"Yep." You slump back so you're sitting down, because even kneeling is too much for you right now. Karkat follows suit and puts an arm around you, and you're too tired to throw an internal shitfest about it.

"What... what happened?" he asks finally.

"I'unno. I was fighting her, then she got me across the face, and then shit hit the fan, and blew the shit all up in my mind."

"Why are your metaphors so disgusting," he grumbles, and you huff in amusement.

"I didn't know where I was, I guess. Everythin went kinda fuzzy and weird, like, too loud. And I thought - I thought I was fighting my Bro." You start shaking again. "I thought it was him, and he was trying to kill me, and when I fell I thought I was gonna die -" The words catch in your throat and burn, and it makes your eyes hurt. "God." You press a hand against your face. "He was really fucking awful, wasn't he?"

"I guess he was," Karkat says quietly.

Your chest is burning, your eyes hurt so much, but just like before, now you've started you can't stop. "He wasn't like a _real_ guardian. He left his fuckin porn puppets _everywhere_ and filmed everything all the time, and god, I don't know, maybe I was on that website too for all the sick freaks to look at. He left swords in the fridge and knives in the shower and fuck, I didn't work out it wasn't normal until I met John and the others. They all complained about their parents, about how they wouldn't let them go out sometimes or fed them too much cake, or other pointless bullshit, and I'm there like, dude, I don't think my Bro's ever fed me in his life. Like parenthood was just some weird ironic _game_ to him. We always strifed, and even when I was a kid he didn't go easy on me. That first strife I told you about, that nearly took my hand off? I was _six_. He never gave a fucking shit about me, and fuck, I didn't even _realise_. I loved him so much, Karkat. He was my brother. He was my hero. Only now he's gone and spoiled that and I can't be a hero anymore, I can't strife, I can't do anything because he ruined me."

Karkat's arms go right around you. His hand's in your hair, probably getting blood all fuckin over it but you really don't care right now. Your breath is coming in deep shudders and your head feels like it's going to burst.

"He fucked me up so bad, but I still fucking miss him, and I hate it. I miss him so goddamn much." And then everything breaks inside you, swelling up and spilling over until all you can do is cling to Karkat and wait for it to be over.

The legendary Dave Strider cries for the first time in his life.

 


	9. I do love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for that super depressing chapter, this one is actually really happy to make up for it  
> I also wanna say thank you so much for all your kudos and comments! I don't respond to them bc I'm really socially inept and never know what to say, but just know I really appreciate all of them so much

Karkat insists on taking you back to your room. It takes a long while, because for some reason your legs aren't feeling too good, and sometimes your head spins and you have to stop for a few minutes. By the time you get there, you're exhausted, and you expect Karkat to dump you and leave. But he walks you over to your bed, then sits on the edge, watching you like a hawk.

There's a metric fuckton of dried blood on your face, and on your hands, and on Karkat's hands too, but you can't bring yourself to care about it. You're too tired to even care about the memories trying to dig into your psyche. There'll be time to break down later. All you can think about now is how worried Karkat looks, and how he held you back there.

"Hey, uh, Karkat." You force yourself to sit up, to look at him properly. "I want to tell you something."

"Okay."

"I just wanna say, I think you're a really great guy, and I've really enjoyed hanging out with you on the meteor." Sweet jesus this is hard to put into words. "And like, it's nice to have someone who cares about me. But um. I dunno, I think over the last few weeks, there's been like, uhh, something else. Between us. Or at least on my end. And um, I wanted to - dude why are you crying."

Karkat starts, like he's totally oblivious to the fact that big red tears are spilling from his eyes. He wipes his face hurriedly and turns away. "Sorry," he sniffs. "This is it, isn't it?"

What. Does he _know_? He knows and he's crying and shit does that mean he doesn't like you, oh fucking hell you are such a huge ass -

"This is when you tell me you don't want to hang out with me anymore, because I'm an insufferable prick and I shout all the time and I'm too clingy and weird and shit."

This is so unexpected that you can't help letting out a huge snort of laughter. This is very obviously a mistake, because Karkat gives you a look of deep disgust and goes to leave.

"Wait, shit, Karkat - sit _down_ -" You grab his sleeve and pull him back onto the bed. "I _wasn't_ going to say that."

"No, you're just going to _laugh_ at me," he snarls, and tears his sleeve away, storming towards the door. Shit, he's leaving, this is the only chance you're going to get because you know once he's gone, he'll never talk to you again. This is it.

"I was going to say I _love_ you, you fuckin shithead!" you yell after him.

Karkat stops dead in his tracks. He's so still you wonder if you've accidentally frozen time. But no, it's still going, and he's still here, thank god. "You - you what?"

Fuck. What do you say now? "Um. I. I really like you? And, fuck, I don't know. Dudes aren't supposed to like dudes, and I feel like shit about this, but I also feel like if I don't tell you I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life, and die alone in a gutter trying to build an office tower out of empty cans of beans, with like, a chess piece and a dead crab for company, and -"

"Holy shit, stop talking." Karkat turns around, his expression unreadable. Painfully slowly, he comes and sits beside you again. "Enough with your godawful metaphors. Just. Talk like an normal person for once."

Okay. Deep breaths. You can do this. "It's... it's not normal. Back on Earth. Dudes are supposed to like girls, girls are supposed to like dudes. If you don't you're a fucking weirdo or a pervert or whatever. So I didn't think about it, I thought I could ignore it, because to be fuckin honest being trans is hard enough without also not being straight. I thought it would go away, but then _you_ happened and now it won't go away, ever, every single time I see you it's _there_. And it's supposed to be a bad thing, and I _know_ it's not really, but hearing all the shit people say rubs off and I feel so wrong and weird, but at the same time I've never felt like this before and I don't want it to stop, I never want to stop feeling like this, but even that makes me feel awful because _it's so fucking gay, bro._ "

There's a long, drawn out silence. You can barely stand to look at Karkat, but your eyes refuse to look anywhere else. He looks... well, he looks shocked, mostly. He obviously has no idea what half the stuff you just said was, but his eyebrows are knotting together like he's trying to understand, and that alone makes you dizzy.

"Look, Karkat, it's cool if you don't feel the same way. But I have to tell you, I like you a whole fuckin lot, and hell maybe I love you, because if I don't tell you I'm gonna explode into a million pieces and make a huge mess everywhere."

He very slowly lifts one hand to brush against the cut in your cheek. "Dave. I never thought I'd say this, but sometimes you talk too much."

"You are an absolutely disgusting hypocrite, Karkat."

"Damn fucking right." He's smiling again, and you are too, for once in you're life you're smiling in a way that isn't either ironically smug or sarcastic, and god, it feels really great. You rest your forehead against Karkat's, and it's kind of weird how warm his skin is, but you do not care at all.

"I didn't think..." he starts, hand still on your face, "I didn't _let_ myself think about it. That kind of shit _never_ works out for me, probably because I'm generally an unpleasant person to be around. When Terezi gave up on me and started paying attention to you, I was so _mad_ at you, but I thought, hey, you're probably not a huge fucking asshole, it makes sense. And then I got to know you, and of _course_ it fucking made sense, you are such a good person to be around it's no wonder she liked you more, because hell, _I_ liked you more. And shit, that was confusing as fuck, let me tell you. And I really didn't believe you'd ever feel the same way, because people _don't_ like me. But if you say you do, I believe you, and, uh. I really fucking like you. If I was pushed, I might even say, yeah, maybe I love you too, Dave."

His eyes are about two inches from yours. Your skin is on fire. Your mind is unable to comprehend anything but what is happening right now.

"Dude, that's gay."

Karkat wheezes with a mix of laughter and very extreme fury. "Dammit, you are infuriating. Now shut your mouth and kiss me."

"How am I gonna kiss you with my mouth shut?"

"Gog just shut the fuck -" He doesn't even bother finishing his sentence, using his hand to pull you closer and close the gap and, wow, this is really _nice_ , you have no idea what you're doing but it's working somehow, and you cautiously put one hand in his hair, turns out troll hair is kind of bristly, who knew. Then you kind of stop paying attention, because _damn_ this is great, it's so warm and soft and you can kind of taste your own blood a little, which is weird, but more importantly everything you can feel right now is Karkat and holy _shit_ -

The door to your room bangs open. "Look, Dave, you can't hide in your room like a coward all d-"

Vriska stops dead in her tracks. She's staring at you, and suddenly you realise that you're pressed against Karkat, one arm round his waist and one hand in his hair, while he's got both his around your neck, and there's blood smeared all over your already red faces.

There is an incredibly long and torturously awkward silence.

Vriska's eyes light up, and she wordlessly sprints out of the room.

You look down at Karkat and see your own shock reflected in his face.

"Fuck," you both say in unison.


	10. But I won't say it at all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions/implications of homophobia  
> I've no longer got future chapters written, so from now on these'll likely be posted as I write them

You have to use all your God Tier powers to stop Karkat running out and murdering Vriska right then and there. He struggles and screams, but after a twenty minute long tantrum he burns himself out. Your arms kind of ache at this point, not to mention your ears, but when compared to the possible death of your brand-new boyfriend, it's a small burden to bear. Also, it's a great excuse to cuddle him.

Finally he stops muttering obscenities under his breath, and you rest your chin on his head. "Are you done with your shitfit over Vriska?"

"Fuck off, and yeah, I am."

"Okay. Cause I wanted to ask, like. Your weird troll quadrants. How does this fit into it?"

Karkat turns around so he can look you in the eyes. "How much do you know about quadrants?"

"Uh, there's the red one, that's basically human romance. There's the black one, that's hate dating or something. There's the diamond one, which I don't really get, because it just sounds like best friend stuff to me. And there's the other one that Kanaya did a lot."

"That's ashen, and it involves three parties so I think we can rule that one out." Karkat sighs. "To be honest, I don't know, Dave. When things like today happen, I feel so pale for you. I want to protect you. But a lot of the time you're also infuriating, and my feelings switch to blacker than Vriska's soul. But then things like... tonight..." He goes deep red. "Things like that happen, and I flush so red for you."

You're not entirely sure what any of that means, but that's never stopped you give your opinion on things before. "Could we like... not be in a quadrant?"

"What?" Karkat pulls away from you, eyes wide and hurt. Jesus, what did you say _this_ time? "You confess your love and then you kiss me and now you say you don't want to be in a quadrant with me?"

"What? Dude, no. I mean like. Be dating in a way that isn't in one of the quadrants."

Karkat's now looking at you like you've committed some kind of crime. "Outside quadrants?" he whispers.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"

"What's - _everything's_ wrong with that!" He throws his hands up in the air. "You don't go outside quadrants. They're there for a _reason_ , the red and black make offspring to keep the empire alive, and the other two keep trolls alive long enough to pale in the first place. It wouldn't make _sense_ outside of that."

God, this conversation is making your heart hurt in an all too familiar way. "So it's only gonna work out if we can make babies? Because I've got some bad news for you."

"No, it's not just about 'making babies'. It's just - it's how it _is_ , it's how _everyone_ is, and -" He stops, and looks at you with horror in his eyes, and there it is, the penny is finally dropping. "I mean - not that not being the norm is _bad,_ it's not like reproduction is the only point of being with someone, I - fuck - you've done this on purpose."

"Yeah, I have." There's a lump in your throat, and no matter how many times you swallow it won't go away. "Why do you want to be in one quadrant, Karkat? Just, tell me honestly. Please."

"I - because I -" He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. "Terezi didn't like it when I vacillated. She said I was giving her mixed signals. It was sort of a factor in why we fell apart. You're not _supposed_ to have someone in all the quadrants, or outside them. You're thought of as greedy and selfish and a big fucking joke." There are the tears again, dripping silently down his face. "I'm already so fucking different from everyone else. I don't want to be different in this too."

You take hold of his hands. "Karkat, it's okay. Trust me." He looks at you with those huge eyes, and you never really noticed before how troll eyes are bigger than human ones. They're like headlights, and you feel caught in them. "You can be the quadrantless mutant troll, and I can be the gay trans human, and we can be an affront to both our dead cultures together."

It takes a moment, but yep, there's the little smile he always does when you say something heartfelt, which is a rare occasion. His hands are warm in yours. "You know what? Fuck it. You're right. Let's do this. Let's go out there right the fuck now, together, and make Vriska look like an asshole by announcing ourselves to everyone. If - if that's okay with you."

The very idea of having to come out to anyone is, frankly, terrifying. But it's different now. Your worlds are both gone. The trolls aren't going to think liking someone the same gender is weird, and Rose, well, Rose is gay too. She'll probably make some embarrassing sweater for you in rainbow colours, but that's as far as she'll go. And, hell. You kind of want everyone to see how fuckin lucky you are.

"Yeah, let's do it."

Those pointy uneven teeth stretch into a huge grin, and Karkat pulls himself to his feet, still holding your hands. You drag yourself up too, and before you leave, you chance another kiss. This is probably a mistake, because now it's happening you don't want to stop, and ideally would do nothing else in your life until the end of time, but eventually you pull apart, and, hand-in-hand, make for the door.

What with the whole feelings jam and kissing your quadrantless boyfriend, the weird, glitchy textures affecting your room had completely slipped your notice. Likewise, you fail to notice the strange patchwork of wallpaper as you make for the door. It's only when you push it open, and bright sunlight hits your face instead of the expected eternal darkness, that you finally come to the conclusion that the meteor must have entered a dreambubble.

You realise this perhaps a little too late, as Vriska seems to have bumped into the inhabitants on her abscond from your room, and now she, along with Terezi, Rose, Kanaya, and _literally all the dancestors and dead trolls_ are having a casual conversation there. They all turn to look at you, and Karkat, and you two are holding hands, and you still haven't got the blood off your faces. Everyone is looking at you. Everyone.

"Sup."

You come to the realisation that things will never stop happening constantly.


	11. And I won't stay very long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for abuse, emetophobia, mentions of blood and murder  
> aaand I'm sick. so updates might slow down even more, i'm very sorry ;w; please enjoy a lot of comfort fluff to make up for it

You're a little - a lot - nervous when you finally leave the dreambubble and it's just the seven of you. Well, you guess it's eight, but let's be real, Gamzee does not count. You make your way back to the main room, and even though your heart is hammering, you don't let go of Karkat's hand.

Rose is clearly trying to be a good supportive sister. When you come in, she is quite literally in Kanaya's lap, arms round her neck. The troll is glowing brighter than you've ever seen.

"Hello, brother dear," Rose greets you. "I hope you don't mind that we're offering a show of solidarity in light of recent events."

"It's cool," you say, smirking. "Very thorough. All those black lipstick marks really complete the look."

Rose blushes, which is such an overload of emotion from someone like her you wonder if she's alright. "Really though, Dave, I'm proud of you."

"For what."

"Being brave, coming out. Taking one for the team and kissing Karkat."

"HEY, WATCH IT, LALONDE."

"Watch you two kiss? I'd rather not."

"WELL, AHAHAHA! YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!" He turns and kisses you on the cheek, and completely ruins any illusion of triumph by turning bright the fuck red.

"Honestly, Karkat. You call that a kiss? You've got a lot to learn," Kanaya smiles, before creating yet another lipstick mark on Rose's face.

"I KISSED YOUR DEAD BODY BACK TO LIFE, YOU LEARNED EVERYTHING FROM ME."

"No, you didn't. I revived myself using Feferi's blood."

"That's gross as hell," you say as you take your place at the table opposite the pair. Karkat's still got a firm grip on your hand.

"Not as gross as kissing Karkat."

"That's me." You finger guns across the table. "Master of gross. And I'm sure you've drank Rose's blood before, so you can't say shit about me."

Both of them blush in their respective colours, and Karkat makes a sound you can only describe as a cat having a pencil extracted from it. Fortunately, someone else arrives, so you have a great excuse to end the conversation. Unfortunately, the someone is Vriska. She looks at you, and there's a gleam in her eyes that makes you wish you were back in bed.

Thankfully, someone out there must have been sniffing out for you, for less than ten seconds later Terezi runs into the room, picks Vriska up by the waist, and spins her round in circles.

"Terezi, what the FUCK?" Vriska screeches, but her cheeks are tinted blue and there was a hint of laughter in her voice.

"Well, everyone is being very affectionate lately, and I'm not gonna let ANYONE miss out!" Terezi replies gleefully, grin spread across her face.

"Really????????"

"NO! PSYCHE!" she yells, and suddenly suplexes Vriska, just, right there, like it's a normally normal thing to do, what the fuck.

You and Rose share a long, long look.

Maybe this isn't going to be so bad after all.

 

* * *

 

Of course, you didn't consider that you'd just come to a serious conclusion about your brother and his behaviour, and it never occurred to you that this would ever bite you in the ass again. But of course, it does, because that's the joy of PTSD.

It doesn't come back until one night, when you're sleeping, and suddenly there's a weight on your stomach and you can't move and he's there, holding you down with his hands round your throat, and you can't breathe and -

You wake up and you _still_ can't breathe, and you have to stumble into the bathroom, and spend an unpleasant half an hour alternating between hyperventilating and throwing up. You finally manage to force your brain under control long enough to shakily message Karkat.

TG: dudde canu you} come oevr  
CG: WHAT? IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.  
CG: WHAT'S GOING ON?  
CG: DAVE?  
TG: i odn;t know  
TG: pelaese

At this point your stomach gives out and you have to focus once again on vacating your it. For the God of Time, you sure don't have a grip on it, and it could be five minutes or ten years before you hear a door opening and there's a warm hand on your back.

It takes another five minutes before you can get to your feet, slosh water around your mouth, and stagger back to bed, and even that you have to do with one arm round Karkat so you don't collapse. Once you're lying down, you feel better, but you still feel like ass, and it's no surprise that Karkat doesn't want to leave.

"Hey, Dave, I don't know if this has happened before, but... if it's alright, do you want me to, uh. Stay with you? At night? So if it happens again, you won't be on your own."

The idea of having Karkat there is... really nice, actually. Of course, the idea of being even vaguely near someone when you sleep is terrifying, but if that's what Bro has conditioned, you want to _un_ condition it as soon as possible.

You raise one eyebrow. "You wanna sleep with me, Karkat?"

"Oh fuck off," he snaps. "I'm gonna guess that's a yes, you hideous douchebag." And with that, he crawls over and settles down next to you. He's narrowing his eyes at you, and have you done something wrong? Maybe your breath smells like shit. God, this is making you feel weird.

"You're not wearing shades," he says at last.

"What, did you think I slept in them?"

"No, you asshole. This is just the first time I've seen your eyes."

"Oh." It's been a long time since anyone saw your eyes. You're kind of embarrassed about them. Most people thought you were being ironic in wearing them, and you are, but your eyes are also pretty sensitive to bright light. The ones who didn't think it was ironic thought you were sick, or possessed, or something.

"They're red."

"Yeah."

Karkat is quiet for a while, before saying, "My eyes are gonna turn red someday. The irises. It probably would have got me culled. I didn't realise humans got red eyes too."

"Not normally. Only from like, albinism, or lack of pigmentation, or having a bleed in your eyes. It's pretty rare."

"Well, counting the meteor crew, John and Jade, and your guardian kids, that's, what, twelve people in total? And two with red eyes. So that's probably like, 20 percent of everyone. That's not rare anymore."

"Heh, I guess." You smile, and Karkat smiles back, and you realise you are actually kind of tired...

It doesn't feel like it's been any more than five goddamn minutes before Bro's back, this time to experiment all the lovely ways his katana can kill you. You wake up in a cold sweat, but this time there's arms around you, and a soft voice, and you fall asleep again, safe.

 

* * *

 

Karkat turns out to be just as loud asleep as he is awake. You're having a decent night for once, no nightmares or dreams at all, when you're suddenly wrenched out of unconsciousness by very loud and startling noises. It takes several seconds of extreme panic to realise they're coming from Karkat. He's thrashing around, screaming, and you have to shake him hard to get him to wake up. He blinks up at you, terror in his eyes, before he realises who you are.

"Sorry. You were kind of yelling."

"Was I? Fuck." He nestles closer to you, and your hand goes to his hair instinctively. "I was dreaming about... I don't know. Gamzee was there, and he had Terezi, and hell, she was hurt, and I tried to go do something, but Gamzee, he... he stabbed me, with her cane, and I fell, and it _burned_ , and..."

"Hey, it's okay." You pull him closer, and bury your face in his hair too, because fuck it, it's nice. "Uh. This is gonna sound weird, but I think I remember that dream too."

"What?"

"Like. I remember you falling, vaguely. And then I was fighting Jack, and the white version of Jack. They both... they both got me. Chest and stomach. And _god_ , it hurt."

"Maybe it was a doomed timeline."

"Can we dream about those?"

"I don't fucking know, what am I, Sburb's programmer? But that's the only thing I can think of."

You don't respond, too caught up in messing up Karkat's already messy hair. Your finger touches one of his horns. "Hey, Karkat. With your horns, like. Does it feel... nice when people touch them?"

"What?"

"Like, if I rubbed them, would that be..."

"Are you fucking serious? They're horns. They're not _skin_ , you ass. Do you want me to sensually massage your toenails, Dave?"

"Geez dude, alright."

"No, hang on." He's getting up, leaning over you. "My dear lover. I'm gonna jerk off your teeth."

"Dude, no -" But it's too late, he's shoved his hand in your mouth like an asshole. You slap your palm against his face, and he yelps in mock pain, before taking out his slimy hand and wiping it all over your face.

"Aw, Karkat! Gross!" You try to push him away, but you're laughing too hard.

"Damn, you're right, this is _so_ erotic. I'm overcome with passion."

You push yourself up and grab hold of his shoulders. "Oh no dude, you wanna make a point, you're gonna make a damn point. We're doing it man. _Where making this happen._ " And you lean over and very tentatively lick one of his horns.

Maybe it's because you're sleepy, but you swear it tastes just a little bit like candy corn.

Karkat shrieks, and pushes you away, but you've still got hold of his shoulders, and you end up collapsing in a giggly heap. "You're so disgusting."

"You stuck your hand in my mouth and _I'm_ disgusting?"

"I can't believe you're spurning my advances like this."

"You call those advances? _This_ is advances." You lean over and blow a huge raspberry on his cheek, which rewards you with some adorable high-pitched giggling.

You cuddle up to him again, and he burrows into your chest, hair brushing your chin, the way he always does. It's weird, you went all your life never really touching anyone, aside from the rare hair-ruffle or fisticuffs with Bro. You used to tense up every time someone brushed against you, and the first few times Karkat hugged you, it felt weird and cold and awkward. But now it feels so natural, and you keep finding excuses to have some part of you touching him at all times, whether it be hand-holding or sitting together on the couch or tangling your hands in his hair. Having him cuddled up to you like this, every night, it's about as close to heaven as you can get. You would maybe even say it's better than kissing him.

"Hey, Karkat?"

"Ugh. I was so nearly asleep. What?"

"Well, I was gonna say somethin nice, but if you're gonna be a horse's ass about it then I wont bother."

"Pfffff. Okay. I'm not being a hoofbeast's ass."

"Cool."

"What were you gonna say?"

"...I love you, Karkat."

"...to borrow your favourite phrase, that's gay, Dave."

"Dude, from you that's basically a marriage proposal."

"I don't understand your human marriage and I'm sure it's completely pointless. Now shut the fuck up and go to sleep."

"Kay."

"...I love you too, Dave."


	12. But you are the life I needed all along

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild TW for mentions of abuse  
> sorry if this chapter seems kind of disjointed, I ended up deleting a chunk and rewriting it, all while being very sick, because who am I kidding I'm never gonna slow down updates  
> we're about two chapters from the end, btw

In all honesty, you'd be content to lie in bed with Karkat and never do anything else again, ever. This is your life now, your bed and your nightmares and the grumpy little shithead who's there to share nightmares and trauma and endless comfort with you.

Of course, Paradox Space is a massive tool, and does not want to let you have any happiness whatsoever. As the weeks turn into months, and slowly into years, your meteor is speeding ever closer to your destination. Your heart soars at the idea of seeing John and Jade again, but then your mind judders to a halt when you remember you're ever closer to meeting your guardians.

To meeting _him._

Vriska doesn't make it any easier. One day you and Karkat are chilling in Can Town. You've flown up to the ceiling, lifting the Mayor so he can colour some intricate details in the sky. Karkat's on the ground, reworking some of the roads. This peaceful setting is immediately ruined when Vriska stalks in.

"You guys, I called you for strifing practise an hour ago. Will you stop messing around on this pointless crayon drawing and get your butts into action?"

You pretend not to hear, which is pretty easy when you're about 10 feet off the ground. Karkat doesn't bother to get up. "Fuck off, Vriska."

"If I don't see you in there in ten minutes, I'll knock everything over."

Karkat stops, and even though it's hard to see him from here, you just know he's got that look of tightly controlled rage on his face. "For the last fucking time. We. Are. Not. _Strifing._ "

"Whoops, what's this? My feet are slipping! Tick tock!"

You touch back down and let the Mayor go. He tilts his head to the side knowingly, and gives your knee a pat before wandering off to draw some more. You turn to Karkat. There's something in his eyes you can't read, and even though you trust him, it makes you nervous.

"Look, Vriska," you say heavily, "I'm not fuckin strifing, with you or anyone else. That's all there is to it."

"Listen, Strider, just because you pull some silly trick and get your boyfriend all worked up, doesn't mean I'm gonna let you off the hook. Quit being a wriggler! Are you a man or not?"

You know she's just trying to antagonise you, but that last line hits way closer to home than she intended, and you ball your hands into fists.

Karkat steps forward. He looks... different. There's something in his posture, his eyes, that's completely new to you. It's kind of unnerving. You've spent over a year with this guy, and you've never seen this before.

You're expecting some loud, angry rant of varying coherence, so Karkat's icy tone catches you completely off guard. "Vriska Serket, _fascinating_ as it is to watch you be insensitive, it's not exactly a rare occurrence, so excuse me for not wanting to deal with your manipulative bullshit for once. I could probably explain to you, in great detail, what said "silly trick" was, but it doesn't surprise me you've never seen anyone react negatively to a previous trauma, because you're so often the one _causing_ them. It's pretty hard for Tavros to break down when he's dead. Convenient, isn't it? The only person who was around to make you feel the pain you caused was Terezi, and apparently losing your arm and your eye wasn't a clear enough message for you."

"So no," he continues, stepping forward again, "I will _not_ let you inflict any more of your violent tendencies on anyone else. I've seen _too_ many fucked up trolls to let you do this anymore. Because _I_ am the Knight of Blood, and even if I couldn't protect my friends when they needed it, I can at least protect someone I love from you. If you're going to fight anyone, it's going to be me, and I promise on your ancestors that you won't get past me unless you fucking kill me."

Well, uh, holy shit, that was something. You are speechless. His speech that reminds you of something, but you can't think what. Even Vriska looks kind of thrown off. She uncaptchalogues her cutlass, and without hesitation Karkat's sickles are in his hands, and you think you're about to shit your stomach out.

The Mayor scurries over, tugging sweetly on Karkat's sleeve. He pulls from his sash a ruler with a bit of metal taped to it, and gestures at Vriska. His eyes are wide and friendly as always, but as he turns to her, they narrow dangerously, and he slowly and deliberately draws a carapaced finger across his neck.

Holy fuck.

Vriska is clearly debating whether or not it's worth fighting a tiny chess piece and a tiny troll. She shoots you a look of pure contempt. "Tch. Hide behind your bodyguards. You're nothing but a _coward_." She stalks out of the room, sword still in hand.

The Mayor gently hugs your leg, before putting his makeshift weapon away and going back to his duties. You share a very shocked glance with Karkat.

"Dude, maybe we should be training the Mayor up."

"You know as well as I do you'd never send him into combat," he replies gruffly, captchaloguing his sickles. "Come on. I feel like watching a romance movie after all that shit."

"Okay." You put your arm around him, and the two of you leave in the direction of your room.

You'd met Karkat's ancestor a couple of times, and immediately came to the conclusion that he was, well, a huge jerk. You'd heard of what he'd done on Alternia, but you just couldn't connect the Sufferer with the Insufferable. There was no way such a scrawny wordy asshole could have been the Signless, alien socialist rioter in chief. But watching Karkat back there, fire in his eyes and cold control in his voice, you suddenly realise what he looked like.

He looked like the revolution.

 

* * *

 

Vriska doesn't bother you after that. You're pretty happy about that, but you know deep in your heart she's right. You need to be able to fight, soon, or you're going to doom everyone. You try not to think about it, but the image of Karkat lying dead at your feet because of you won't leave the corner of your mind.

Nevertheless, you hold it in, trying to enjoy your time with Karkat as much as possible before you arrive. You talk about stuff, you watch his shitty movies, you arrange a few double dates with Rose to read troll romance books, and, yeah, you spend a lot of time kissing him. You really wish you could stop the meteor moving forward, but move forward it does, and before you know it, you're only a few hours away from your destination.

Karkat's on the end of your bed, chewing his fingernails. You think about it a lot, but you never truly appreciated just how beautiful he is before now. His hair is still an untidy mess, made worse by how much he's run his hands through it in the last hour. He's grumpy and annoying and shouty and an alien, and you don't think you've ever loved anyone as much as you love him. Not that there's ever been much competition.

"Dude, stop eating your hands. Let's feelings jam."

He scowls at you, but moves his hands away from his mouth and shuffles over to you. "Sorry. I'm kind of freaking the fuck out over meeting everyone again."

"Dude, me too. Especially John."

"Yeah, you must have missed him a lot. Weren't you best friends?"

"Yeah, we were the tightest bros. And... god this is embarrassing, but... I kind of. Had a crush on him?"

You expect ridicule, but Karkat blushes. "Oh. Me too."

"No way."

"Shut up. It was a black crush. It was fucking pointless anyway, because he could never hate anyone in his life. So I moved on." He looks at you somewhat nervously, and you laugh.

"I moved on too, obviously. Don't you look all funny at me, Karkat." You press your face against his, and he pretends to push you away, before suddenly pulling you in and hugging you hard.

"Dave. Promise me, whatever happens, you'll come back."

"I promise."

"I'm serious. I don't care who you fight, you'd better fucking come back, or I'm going to be really, really pissed."

"I will. And you'd better come back too, Nubs, because winning seems kind of pointless if you're not there."

"Sentimental bastard," he grumbles under his breath, before pulling you into a kiss. You wish it would last forever, like you always do, but despite being the master of Time, it continues to fuck you over.

"We should probably get some sleep," Karkat says eventually.

"I don't think I can. Like. In less than a day, I'm gonna be meeting my bro again."

"Well, let's at least pretend to sleep."

You reluctantly lay down, and Karkat sprawls across your chest. You bury one hand in his hair, and wonder if this is the last time you'll ever get to do this. The idea of losing Karkat is so overwhelming you have to fight the urge to throw a huge panic attack over it. You won't. You can't. You have to get through this.

You try to distract yourself, but the idea of your teenage Bro fills your mind instead, and you start remembering all your fights and strifes and all the scars that still litter your body from head to foot. He was dead, he was dead and gone, but now he's back, and you hate yourself for wishing this one was dead too, and you hate yourself even more for projecting all this onto a sixteen year old boy you've never met.

The night goes on forever, and all you can do is cling to Karkat and hope this isn't the last time you get to hold him.

 

* * *

 

Reuniting with John was... well, it was awkward. He seems to think you're gay now, which is, well, fair enough you guess, but _lord_. Your crush on him seems to laughable now, because he's quite literally the straighest person in existence now there's so few of you left. His approach was about as gentle as a brick in a washing machine, but he seemed okay with it, and to be honest you have bigger problems right now.

You always hated waiting. Maybe it was your destiny as a Time player, but you're impatient as fuck. You want Dirk to get here, but you want him to never arrive, and everything is so confusing it's giving you a headache.

Evidently Vriska feels the same, because halfway through your bumbling conversation with Terezi she gets to her feet. "Okay, Strider, I've had enough. I've been more than patient, and more than accommodating, but your hangups regarding your ancestor are starting to border on pathetic."

Predicatbly, Karkat's ready to go before you even finish taking the words in. "HEY! WHY DON'T YOU CAN IT."

"Karkat, stay out of this."

"NOT IF YOU ARE GOING TO START TRASHING PEOPLE WITH RESPECT TO THEIR SENSITIVE ISSUES IN A MANNER THAT IS _WAY_ OVER THE LINE AS FAR AS THE BASIC GROUND RULES OF GOOD NATURED SHIT TALKING GOES, GROUND RULES ON WHICH I _HAPPEN_ TO BE AN EXPERT. EITHER MAKE SURE YOUR TRASH MOUTHED INVECTIVE IS CRITICALLY CONSTRUCTIVE, OR SHUT UP!"

You're kind of touched, and you're so busy being touched and also freaking out that you completely miss what Vriska is saying. Your mind snaps back to attention when she pulls out a gun, however.

"What - what the fuck are you even doing to do."

"I told you," she says, raising the gun, "I'm expediting matters."

And then there's a shot and a window and a plum-coloured blur, and you are kicked in the face by your teenage guardian who has been dead for three years.

Even in your state of shock, you take a moment to think about how it's been less than a second and he's already hurt you again.

But maybe this time will be different. Dirk's sixteen, and from an alternate universe, and hopefully isn't a raging child abuser. And he won't know who you used to be.

He will only ever know you as Dave Strider, and the thought gives you a smidgen of courage.


	13. I think of you as my brother, although that sounds dumb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for decapitation, and in-depth talk of abuse, injury, blood, and some compulsory heterosexuality stuff. like. jesus dicks this chapter was hard to write.  
> in order to fit these last bits into just two chapters, they're a little longer, so enjoy the extra wordcount! the next chapter will definitely be the last.

Despite all your reservations, you did it. You managed to talk to your brother. It had been hard, but... reassuring, you guess. The more you think about it, the more different they are in your head. Bro was always wearing his shitty hat and his fingerless leather gloves. He never spoke in a voice that wasn't coolly disappointed, and never really showed any emotion whatsoever.

Dirk is... different. For starters, he doesn't have gloves, and his hat is stuck firmly as a picture on his shirt. His hair is even more carefully styled than John's, so immaculately spiked it's a miracle it doesn't fall out of place from your gaze alone. His face is softer, not lined with age and scars and the shitty beard Bro was always trying to grow. But most striking of all is his personality. Sure, you can feel the hardness and secrecy he gives off like a radiator, but there's this layer of insecurity underneath you might have missed if you weren't, well, you. He's not great at displaying emotion in his face, but you pick up little things, like the way he plays with his hands as he talks about his past, the way his legs swung when he was sitting on the edge of the building.

The thing that struck you the most, though, was his quiet, embarrassed confession about Jake, that strange kid who looked a little like John, who he'd loved so much, and then ultimately ruined. There's such regret in his voice when he talks about it, regret even he can't hide.

You don't know if it things were different in this universe, circumstances that led him to realise and be open about it, but the idea of your Bro being _gay_ had never crossed your mind even once. Even in your most desperate moments, when you'd longed for any way to relate to him, the idea was just... impossible. And now you're sitting here, with your teenage brother, and he's spilling his heart over how he'd fallen to pieces with a guy he was very much in love with.

You'd probably be thinking about it more, if aforementioned teenage brother's decapitated head wasn't sitting in your lap right now.

Three years. Three goddamn years of first accepting Bro was dead, then that he was alive in some form, and you manage a little ten minute reunion before murdering him with your own sword. Sure, it was necessary, but _fuck_ , can Paradox Space give you a _break_?

John's mom - no, don't think John's hot mom, god damn it - is leaning over you, worried, before her eyes narrow in concentration and blue swirly shit starts harassing your vision. Dirk's head slides out of your hands, and you feel a moment of blind panic, because no, actually, you're not ready to let him go again, then there's this weird popping noise and...

Dirk grimaces up at you from the floor, back in one piece.

"Hey bro."

"Sup."

He slowly sits up, and you put a hand on his shoulder. "Would you believe that's the second time I've been decapitated?"

"After today? Yeah. It's still fuckin weird though."

"You're telling me." You help him to his feet, and wow, this is _weird_ , you'd never had to help Bro out before. He accepts your help with a nod of thanks, and what looks like a sincere smile, and holy hell, your mind is going off the rails right now.

You don't get any time to think about this before said abruptly grinds to a halt. The others are back. There's Jade, and you really need to catch up with her at some point. Now that all your bullshit feelings are dealt with, you've finally come to the obvious conclusion that she was just a really great friend, and you didn't appreciate your time with her. There's John, and you can't wait to catch up with him properly. There's Jake, looking nervous and ridiculous in his God Tier underwear, and he sheepishly waves at you and Dirk. You wave back, but your heart is in pieces, looking for just one person, one troll.

He steps out from behind Jake's back, looking tired and worn and very proud of himself, catches sight of you, and waves.

You don't even care that everyone's just returned. You don't give two shits that you haven't exactly told your dear departed-resurrected brother that you're not single, or straight, and actually, you haven't told anyone here except the meteor crew. You are absolutely beyond giving a single entire fuck about it. You launch yourself toward Karkat at full speed, scoop him up in your arms, and lift him off his feet, spinning him around before pulling him close and kissing him full on the mouth.

You're so caught up in the moment, in Karkat and his not-deadness and his arms around your neck and his lips against yours, that you genuinely have no idea how long you're standing there before you finally pull away. He looks at you through half-lidded eyes that appear to be on the verge of tears, and you're so blissfully happy you nearly kiss him again before he blinks and starts, colour flooding his face as he looks wildly around.

You pull away a little and, yep, everyone is watching you. Literally everyone. John is staring open-mouthed. Jade is giggling hysterically. And there's Dirk, and god, he's _laughing_.

"Seems you didn't need my advice about telling your friends," he says, rubbing his neck. "If it helps at all, I announced myself while dead. And decapitated. In front of all my friends and an erupting volcano."

"Dude, _what._ "

"What can I say? Striders are good at making scenes."

He laughs again, and suddenly you can't help laughing too, because now the threat of death and the end of the world is over you're just so _happy_ , and Karkat's still bright red but there's a giant smile on his face, and you pull him into a hug so tight it'll be years before you let him go.

 

* * *

 

You've learned by now things are never as easy as you think. A few weeks into your new universe, the first Major Issue arises. Dirk's messing around with his katana, showing something to Rose and Roxy, and all of a sudden it's like you're back in Texas, and Bro's doing some fancy sword tricks right before cutting you open again. You hurriedly excuse yourself and try not to run away too obviously.

About half an hour later, Dirk comes looking for you, a very sheepish expression on his face. "Hey, uh. If you want me to get lost, that's cool, but I thought I'd come and. Apologise. For what I did back there."

"It's cool," you say, though you can't quite manage to look him in the eye. "My fault. I overreacted."

"No, it's okay. I wasn't thinking, I..." He sighs, a long, drawn-out sigh, and you think he's about to leave when he sits down beside you.

"Look, Dave. You can say I'm not the same guy as you Bro, and maybe I'm not. But it's obvious I'm going to do things that remind you of him regardless."

"Sorry for having a fuckin reaction," you mutter.

"That's not what I meant. I. God, I'm making a mess of this." There's a flicker of movement out of the corner of your vision. You look up, and you're startled by a pair of very bright, very gold eyes. You don't remember ever seeing Bro's eyes.

"I want... I want to try and help. I've not been great at changing my behaviour in the past, and I have three very tired, very forgiving friends who can back that up. But you're my _brother_ , and you mean a lot to me, and if there's anything I can do to make this easier, I want to do it, because, I... Dammit. Do you mind if I go off the rails into some heartfelt sentimental bullshit?"

"Go ahead."

"When I was back in the old universe, in the future, it was just Roxy and me. Back then, we had no way of knowing about the game, or Jane and Jake, or that we'd ever get to meet them. It was just me and her, and the looming knowledge we were all that was left of humanity. No matter what happened, one thing seemed pretty obvious. We were gonna have to save our species, and make a bunch of babies, and all that shit. And it was _hard_. Even if I didn't admit it to myself, I _knew_ I was gay, and the idea of... I didn't know what to do. I could be true to myself, and doom humanity, or do the morally good thing, no matter what it cost me."

"And then... you come along. You and Rose. Two kids made of our genetic material. Which is kind of really weird, don't get me wrong, but there you were, ready made. We didn't exactly save humanity, but I think I can count it. Roxy had two children to fuss over and love endlessly. I had kids, technically, without having to do a lot of stuff that would have been honestly kind of awful for me. I know it's kind of gross to think about, but it was such a relief to me."

"But you're not just my kid, and I feel kind of weird even calling you that. You're my brother, the brother I never got to have, the brother who died to save me. You... you really mean a lot to me, Dave. And the idea that I'm hurting you is too much to deal with. But I'm not gonna self-destruct this time. I've learned my lesson, finally. I'm going to _do_ something."

Those golden eyes are very wide and very sincere. You think about it for a moment, before removing your own shades. "I guess. Don't buy a hat. Or gloves."

He laughs a little at that. "Noted. I know we haven't known each other that long, but... you're free to ask me to do whatever makes you feel comfortable."

"Um. I guess... go easy on weapons stuff? Bro was always big on that. And if you have puppets, make sure they're not left lying around everywhere. And, uh... maybe this is crossing the line, but. He used to get closed off a lot, when he was mad. He just stood there lookin all disapproving of me. It was kind of scary. So, um. If you could... try not to do that?"

"I won't say it'll be easy, but I'll try." He smiles at you, and you smile back. He really is very different to your bro. But, as you are always fucking inclined to do, you oversharing ass, you can feel all the words crowding at the back of your throat, ready to tumble out your mouth.

"Uh, dude, hang on. I think I need to do some heartfelt sentimental bullshit too. I'm gonna call Karkat over, if that's alright."

"Yeah, go ahead."

You send him a quick message, and before long your alien boyfriend is sitting down on the other side of you, looking a little nervous.

"Okay, so uh. I know it's not easy to talk about, but I think. I want to talk about Bro some more."

Neither of them protest, so you take a deep breath, and pull your shirt off. You try very hard to ignore whatever reaction Dirk is having to your binder, because you can't deal with that on top of what your'e about to do. You point shakily to a long scar on your arm.

"This one I got when I was eight. I didn't dodge in time, and his katana got me. That was the first and only time he took me to hospital. After that he thought it'd look too suspicious, or whatever bullshit reason he justified it with. And this one," you gesture to your ribs, "I got from being thrown down the stairs. I was unconscious for like, an hour. When I woke up, I was in bed, with a whole bunch of bandages everywhere, but the dude wasn't concerned enough to stick around."

You continue on, pointing out every single scar you have, and considering how many there are, this takes a long goddamn time. Neither Dirk nor Karkat interrupt, and you force yourself not to look at their faces, because you know seeing either of them look worried is going to break you for different reasons.

Your voice is rasping as you get to the last one. "This one... I...." It's a deep one, snaking from under your binder all the way down to below the waistline of your jeans. "I'd destroyed a bunch of my clothes. Bro was really mad at me. I don't know if he guessed why I did it, but he called me to strife, and after beating me, he..." You ball your hands into fists. "He pinned me down, and told me I was a little shit, and who the hell did I think I was, and if I wanted to be some big tough guy then that's fine with him. And he put the sword away, and I thought I was off the hook, but he got out this knife, a real hunting knife, and he... pressed down, from my sternum, then all the way down..." You bury your face in your hands, and without hesitation Karkat has an arm around you, and you lean into him gratefully.

You're not sure if you expect Dirk to still be there when you resurface, but he is, with a look of horror on his face that makes you want to hide away again.

"Look, I don't want pity, or apologies, I just. Wanted you to know. Okay?"

He nods, and goes to move toward you before stopping himself. "Sorry. Can I..."

You hold a shaky arm out to him, and he hugs you hard. Between him and Karkat, you're feeling squashed, but you don't care. You are in a binder, hugging your gay alien quadrantless boyfriend, and your revived teenage brother, and it's weird as fuck, and you're so glad that this is happening.

 

* * *

 

It's a long, _long_ process. Sometimes Dirk does things that make you flinch, and sometimes you have to excuse yourself, but you always talk it out, and it's taking a very long time, but it's feeling better, slowly.

It's a few months in, when you start building your houses, when Dirk asks you if you want to share one with him. You smile, a real genuine smile, and decline. "Sorry, bro. Maybe one day. But not yet."

He nods, and smiles back, and goes off to keep building.

It's hard. But he's trying. And you've got your friends back, and new friends to make, and a weird teenage family to get to know. And you've got Karkat.

You'll get there.


	14. Words are futile devices

One evening, after a long day of building more Can Houses (which isn't actually that hard, because most of you have godlike powers), you find yourself chilling on a grassy hill, watching the sunset with John. You really had missed him a lot, and even after all the years, it's still so easy to spend hours talking about nothing at all.

Of course, he eventually gets to the topic you were expecting. "So, you and Karkat..."

"Me and Karkat?"

"You two are..."

"Awesome? Cool? Sick as hell?"

"Well, yeah," he agrees, smiling that goofy bucktoothed smile. "You know, of all the things that changed when I reset the universe, you two were probably the most unexpected."

"You're not gonna ask me if your retcon powers made me gay, are you?"

"Pffff, _no_ , geez," he says, though he's gone a little red. "I just didn't see it coming. I mean, it was weird enough that the secret to saving the world was Vriska."

"Now that _is_ hard to believe," you say drily, and he laughs.

"But I guess, in the old universe, without Vriska there for Terezi to be moirails with -"

"Moirails?"

"That's what they are, right?"

"...."

"Well, anyway, without Vriska, I think you and Karkat ended up fighting over Terezi a lot."

"Huh."

"So maybe aside from the Scourges being back together... you and Karkat had to get together to save the world?"

"That's pretty gay, John," you say, deadpan, which makes him laugh.

You sit in silence for a while, watching the last rays of the sun paint the sky.

"You both have good taste, at least," John says at last.

"What?"

"Well, you both had crushes on me, didn't you?"

"Oh my god, dude, shut up." You push him playfully, and he laughs, shoving you back. "I can't believe you knew about that."

"Sorry Dave, but it was _really_ obvious."

"You never said anything about it."

"That's because I'm not a -" you push him over before he can finish that trainwreck of a sentence, but he grabs your arms and drags you down too, and you roll around, having a totally platonic brohug with your bestest buddy.

"WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING?"

"Hey Karkat." You wave him over. "Come join our really heterosexual cuddle pile."

"I'D RATHER NOT."

"Aw, come on," John whines, making a puppy dog face. "It's your last chance for us to share a tender embrace before you and Dave get married or whatever."

"SH-SHUT UP!" He's gone bright red, but he comes and joins you, taking great care to crush John as much as possible as he does.

You let out a contented sigh, sandwiched between your best bro and your boyfriend as the sun sets on an entirely new universe. "Man. What's better than this? Just a couple'a dudes bein guys."

"A couple of guys being dudes."

"Just a couple'a dudes bein gay."

"I HATE BOTH OF YOU."

 

* * *

 

"Hey, Dave."

You look up from your laptop to see Dirk and Jake looking at each other nervously. "Sup."

"Jake and I want to show you something."

You sit up and set your laptop aside suspiciously. "Look, I'm flattered, but I know the facts of life, and I don't need a demonstration."

Dirk goes bright red, but Jake laughs. "Funny. No, your brother thought you'd get a kick out of this."

"Alright, go ahead."

They look at each other, smirk, and in perfect unison, draw up their shirt sleeves to reveal matching tattoos.

"Oh. My. _God._ Are those what I think they are?"

"You got it, bro."

You stare in awe. Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff stare back at you, etched in ink.

You are so overwhelmed you start crying.

 

* * *

 

You hadn't expected the trolls to get so _big._ Sure, the Condesce had been tall, but you thought that was just a fuschiablood thing. As the months turn into years, Terezi and Kanaya shoot up, until Rose only just about reaches where Kanaya's alien collarbone would be.

(Rose pretends not to be thrilled about this. She is.)

Karkat starts to grow too, which is really _weird_ , because you're so used to him being small and shouty, like a compact little ball of rage. But as he grows, you grow too, finally filling out your shoulders and starting to look like you've actually been through puberty, because that had been kind of embarrassing before. Karkat tries his best, but he never quite reaches the heights of the other trolls, and when all is said and done, he is exactly two inches taller than you.

"I can't believe this," he grumbles one night, during one of your frequent stargazing evenings.

"You're just destined to be short forever, bro."

You expect some cutting remark, but Karkat turns over so he's looking at you. "About that..."

"What?"

"I mean. We're probably all thinking I'm short because I'm a mutant. And I am. Who cares. What I'm trying to say is like." He scratches his head, avoiding your gaze. "I'm. I'm a mutant, and not a God Tier. I don't know how long mutants live naturally, because my ancestor was killed. I... I don't know how long I'm gonna be around."

"Karkat." Instead of getting up, you roll over until you can put an arm around him. "You're gonna live forever. I am the God of Time, which means you can't die until I say so. And it doesn't matter, because you're going to outlive me using nothing but pure spite."

"Shut up, Dave, that's not where I was going with this." He pushes you off and sits up, and his eyes are so wide and nervous your stomach starts churning in a way it hasn't in years.

"I'm not going to be here forever, as much as I want to be. But... I might be able to keep being around through someone else. I... I talked to Kanaya the other day. The Mother Grub's almost ready to have the first batch of new trolls. Now, the way it works is the strongest pairings are more dominant, and create offspring. So there's a possibility in a few years... there might be some little red wrigglers who have our DNA."

"A- and I mean -" he says, before you can reply, "we don't have to raise them by ourselves! Kanaya wants everyone to chip in with caring for the new trolls, because there's probably going to be a fuckton of them. I can't get you out of that, but. I don't know. If you wanted, we could... have one. That was. Ours."

You're silent for a long time. What with the game, and everything that happened after, you'd honestly forgotten normal, non-paradox children were a thing. Admittedly, trollspawn isn't exactly _normal_ , but...

"I... I don't know. I didn't exactly have a great upbringing. I wouldn't want to raise a kid the way Bro raised me."

"Dave." Karkat gently puts a hand on your face, turning it so you have to look up at him. "You are _not_ your Bro. You are the exact polar fucking opposite, and I will waste all my breath until I'm dead telling you that."

You manage a faint smile at that. Karkat smiles back, then clears his throat. "Look, I'm not saying you have to decide now or anything. Either way, we're going to have to help rear fuck knows how many wrigglers. That might put you off the idea entirely."

"Maybe. I'll... I'll think about it." Even after all these years, you still have nightmares about Bro. The idea of being that to someone else is terrifying. But, Karkat's right. You're _not_ him. And you wouldn't be alone this time.

You pull Karkat back down, and roll until you're on top of him. He looks at you with a mix of nervousness and annoyance that you're flattening him. "Hey, Karkat."

"What."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

You lean down and kiss him, and even though this must be the millionth time you've kissed him, it fills you with the same fireworks the first one did. "I don't know what's going to happen, and right now, I don't care. Just promise me one thing, bro."

"Okay."

"If you break up with me, don't date John."

Karkat snorts with laughter, and wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer until your faces brush. "I'm not going to break up with you, shithead. You're stuck with me forever now."

"Stuck?"

"Yeah."

"In our home?"

Karkat presses a kiss to your cheek, and you run a hand through his hair, the way you always do, and hopefully always will do.

"Sure. Stuck in our home forever, fuckass."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god that was the worst ending ever  
> this fic was honestly the result of me entering a hyperfocused state and churning out two thousand words without stopping, and even after that calmed down, I wrote most of these chapters in about an hour. I did barely any rewriting, no editing except for spelling mistakes, and honestly, I half-expected this to be a piece of garbage because of that.  
> but everyone's response to this has been so overwhelming and amazing, and thank you all so, so much for your comments and kudos and hits. i can't put into words how much it means to me, which is shit, because i'm supposed to be a writer, dammit. thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond to this.  
> i've got a few plans for future stuff, including a Royalty AU featuring our favourite gays and the Scourges, but my next project is actually a mspaint fanventure, and you can keep up with that and any other projects I start at my homestuck blog, dirksouls.tumblr  
> thank you for coming along for the ride <3


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